It is not our condemnation, but the grace of God, that draws people to Jesus.

Should a Christian attend a same-sex wedding? 🤔

In the past 8 years since I have been restored to my faith in Jesus by His grace, I have had the privilege of attending several workshops and reading many resources by "ex-gays" on how the Church can minister to those image-bearers of God caught in this particular sin. And at EVERY conference or workshop, the same question comes up, "Should Christians attend a same-sex wedding?"

This question has now also become the subject of controversy in Christian circles with some of the biggest names in Christian podcasting weighing in on the topic. The comment sections in those posts have become heated, to put it mildly.

Thus, as someone now ministering in this same space, and even more importantly, someone who came out of that very lifestyle, I wanted to prepare an answer to that question. 

My experience with this very question as an “ex-gay”...

Before I answer this question, let me give you a little background. In 2002, I began the first of several same-sex relationships after having grown up in a conservative evangelical church. In 2009, my partner and I got married in Vermont. At the time, marriage to someone of the same-sex was not legal at the federal level, and we lived in a state that did not recognize our marriage. Thus, when I began sensing my need to return to Jesus, it meant that I would not be able to legally divorce my spouse in the state where I lived. However, just shortly after that, in 2015, same-sex marriage was legalized. Unlike most Christians, I praised God for this decision, as it meant I had a way to end a marriage I should not have been in to begin with.

It is important to note there are two distinct, though admittedly entangled, aspects of what we view as marriage that come into play here. The most obvious aspect is the legal binding together of two people and their property and families. This aspect of marriage is one of the key components that LGBTQ+ activists advocated for in making marriage legal between two people of the same gender. They wanted the ability to legally declare who could have access to them in the case of an emergency, who was their automatic beneficiary in the case of their death, and to legally protect their children from being removed from a surviving parent. You do not want the courts handing those decisions over to someone to whom you might be estranged just because the courts will not recognize the relationship you deem as closest to you.

A second aspect of marriage is the spiritual union between two people created through intercourse. This spiritual union was designed by God and cannot be controlled or governed by humans. It is also the reason God placed so many guard rails on sex in the Bible, because this union is automatic. When you have sex with your boyfriend, you create a spiritual union with him, whether you want to or not. God's design was for sex to bond two people in a spiritual union that only God Himself could severe. Thus, sex was designed to be between a husband and wife only.

Therefore, civil authorities can govern legal partnerships formed by two people, and can call these partnerships whatever they want. And people will want to enter these partnerships for a variety of reasons, not all of them good regardless of their sexual orientation. However, God created the spiritual union and thus is the only one who has the right to decide the parameters of that union. But just as with any guidelines that God establishes for our own good, He also gave us the freewil to follow Him or deny Him. Thus, a person is free to deny the spiritual aspect of their partnership or that it is to be subject to God's law.

My answer…

So, should a Christian attend a the wedding of a same-sex couple ? It depends. I know that answer will seem like a way to avoid actually answering the question, but it truly isn't. The reason "it depends" is the best answer is because like almost every other topic we might name, there are a variety of circumstances and nuance that come into play making a blanket answer to this question not only impossible, but unwise. Thus, I want to provide you with some questions to ask for your particular circumstance that might help you make a decision for a particular ceremony.

1. What is your relationship to the person getting married?

When invited to a wedding, typically you are a friend, family-member, or colleague of the bride or groom. The closer you are to the person getting married, the more noticable your absence from the ceremony will be, and the more upsetting your absence may be to the one getting married. Thus, if you are a work colleague, and not particularly close to the engaged person, you might be able to skip the ceremony without much notice, and that would be my advice. On the other side of the relationship continuum, you might be a parent or grandparent. This can be the real heartbreaking decision. Your absence will not only be noticed, but could become a main topic of conversation at the wedding, taking away from the precedings of the day. In these cases, you will need to have a very hard conversation with your child about their expectations of you at the wedding and how each of you are feeling about this ceremony.

2. What is your involvement in the ceremony?

I have actually had two failures in the area of marriage. When I married my first husband, my dearest friend in the world truly believed that I was not following God by entering into this relationship. I wanted her to be my maid-of-honor. She turned me down, saying she could not in good conscienous stand up and support this marriage publically, but she would be there and would even play the piano. When you are asked to attend a wedding ceremony of a same-sex couple, that is a different proposition than being asked to participate in the ceremony. My friend's caring and firm response showed she loved me, yet did not require her to compromise her beliefs. I am sure that it was a difficult decision for her, and it was certainly a painful conversation for the two of us. Yet, we remained close and I respected her even more when I later came to realize how right she had been about the relationship. If asked to participate in a same-sex ceremony, I do think you should probably decline, but I would suggest looking for a way to show that you support your loved one, even when you disagree with them, just as my dear friend did.

3. How will your decision regarding your attendance affect your ability to share the gospel?

Have you been trying to share the gospel with this person? Would attending the ceremony but not the reception, or vice versa, help you demonstrate your love for this person? Would it draw them to Jesus or push them away from Him? It is not our condemnation, but the grace of God, that draws people to Jesus. The Holy Spirit will convict each of us where necessary. We do not have to go around pointing out how we disagree with everyone else's choices. People are not stupid. If you are living a life characterized by the fruit of the Spirit, they will know what you believe about same-sex marriage. You won't have to preach to them about it. But you do have to show that you love others, even those your disagree with. "If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?" Matthew 5:46-47. We are called to love our neighbor as ourself. Ask yourself how that applies in the particular circumstances of this one ceremony. Again, not everyone will arrive at the same answer. And you might arrive at one answer for one circumstance and a different one for a different situation.

4. Have you sought wise counsel from a mature brother or sister in Christ who knows the actual details of this circumstance?

Proverbs repeatedly tells us there is a benefit in a multiple of wise counselors. When we are facing a difficult decision, it is wise to ask other mature Christians what they believe is the best choice in the particular circumstances. But this means you don't ask the internet, post the question on social media, or ask someone who does not demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit. You need a mature believer whose life demonstrates their close relationship with the Lord, AND they need to understand the specifics of this particular circumstance.

5. What has the Holy Spirit said about your attendance?

Have you asked Him? Or do you think you have to figure this out on your own? God cares about that which affects us. If we are in a painful situation where we do not know which way to turn, we need to first turn to God! He will direct our path and lead us in His righteousness. He is not sitting in judgement saying, “Don’t you know the answer to this one? Duh!” He understands all the nuance and why this particular situation is challenging for you to navigate. He knows what will be the best course of action that will draw your loved one to Jesus. By reading the Old Testament, it is clear that God abhors sexual sin. However, it is also clear that He might call us to reach the lost in very unusual ways. Jonah probably thought, “Go to Ninevah? Are you kidding me?” And Hosea, I am sure, had reservations about marrying a harlot. “You want me to marry a what?” When it comes to attending the wedding of a same-sex couple, we might just find ourselves saying, “Go where? Really?”

My same-sex wedding…

When I married my ex-wife, I did not invite my parents. I knew that just the invitation would cause immense pain for them. I also knew they might not agree on whether or not they should even come, creating even more pain. I also wanted to avoid the hard conversation, honestly. Thus, I decided to have a private ceremony and not invite anyone. This is certainly not the norm today. However, it is also possible that you might not even be invited. That doesn't mean they don't love you. You will have to talk to them to determine why the invitation was not extended, and don't make assumptions.

Conclusion

Ultimately, whether as a Christian we should attend the wedding of a same-sex couple is a decision we should not take lightly and should only be answered through prayer and wise counsel. We should also do this for each circumstance and not seek a general rule that can be applied each time. Our relationship with God should be thriving and active, allowing us to follow Him in each circumstance. Having a rule to follow negates our need to seek the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. My prayer is that these questions will help you as you seek His counsel.

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